Rocky Horror Picture Show audience participation script

Rocky Horror Picture Show audience out of control

The following is a audience participation script that can be used by audiences to throw back dialog during key points of the Rocky Horror Picture Show movie.  Text in ALL CAPS are the audience participation lines.  Note that the audience dialog may differ slightly from theater to theater and may change slightly over time.

The show often begins with a MC (Master of Ceremony) welcoming the audience, especially the “virgins”, or first time attendees of the movie.  Crowds may chant back, “WHATCA GOING TO DO TO THE VIRGINS?” to which the MC will reply, “We’re going to pop some cherries tonight!”

[Opening Song (Rocky Horror Picture Show song lyrics may be found here]

LET THERE BE LIPS!

Michael Rennie was ill, the day the Earth stood still, but he told us where we stand. ON OUR FEET! And Flash Gordon was there, in EDIBLE silver underwear. KINKY! Claude Rains was the invisible man. BUT HE DIDN’T SHOW UP (or WHO’S CLAUDE RAINS?). Then something went wrong, for Faye Wray and King Kong, they got caught in a SEXUAL celluloid jam. YEAH JAM! Then at a deadly pace, it came ON JANET’S FACE! from outer space. And this is how the message ran… FREEZE!

As the stars names are revealed on the screen, the following lines should be used:

ANOTHER HELPING OF CURRY PLEASE! (for Frank)

SLUT! (for Janet)

ASSHOLE! (for Brad)

WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR? (for Magenta)

WHERE DO YOU GET YOUR DRUGS?

KISS ASS!

UGH!

EDDIE EDDIE! (for Eddie)

CHUCKIE GREY, HE’S OKAY, BUT HE’S GOT NO FUCKING NECK!

CHORUS: Science fiction – double feature, Doctor X will build a creature. See androids fighting Brad and Janet. Anne Francis stars in Forbidden Planet. Oh, oh, oh, oh… …at the late night, double feature, picture show. I knew Leo G. Carrol, was over a barrel, when tarantula took to the hills. LICK THOSE LIPS! And I really got hot, when I saw JANET’S TWAT Jeanette Scott, fight a Triffid that spits poison and kills. WHAT THE FUCK IS A TRIFFID? Dana Andrews said prunes, gave him the runes THEY GAVE ME THE SHITS! and passing them used lots of skills. YEAH SKILLS! But when worlds collide (BOOM), said George Pal to his bride, I’m going to give you some SEXUAL terrible thrills. Like a…

CHORUS: Science fiction – double feature, Doctor X SEX, SEX, SEX! will build a creature. See androids fighting AND FUCKING AND SUCKING ON. Brad and Janet (singing along: BRAD AND JANET). Anne Francis stars in WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE? Forbidden Planet. Oh, oh, oh, oh… …at the late night, double feature, picture show. I wanna go, oh, ho, ho… …to the late night, double feature, picture show, By RKO. RK WHO? Oh, ho, ho… …to the late night, double feature, picture show. WHAT’S THE BEST PLACE TO FUCK? In the back row. FUCK THE BACK ROW!  Oh, ho, ho… …to the late night, double feature, picture show.

[The Wedding Scene]

(THROW YOUR RICE)

Rocky Horror Picture ShowPH Here they come. SO DOES BRAD! Smile nicely. Parents and the grandparents, yes all the close family. GIVE US A NOD. GOD WHAT UGLY KIDS. Smile… …oh, that’s beautiful. And… …smile.

Ralph Hapschatt: Hey, terrific!

PH Congratulations! (THANK YOU)

Ralph Hapschatt: Well, I guess we really did it, huh? ASSHOLE FIGHT! ASSHOLE FIGHT!

Brad: I don’t think there’s any doubt about that. You and Betty have been almost inseparable since you met in Dr. Scott’s refresher course. THEY USED SUPER GLUE AS A CONTRACEPTIVE!

Ralph Hapschatt: Well, to tell you the truth Brad, that was the only reason I showed up in the first place. I mean…

Betty Hapschatt: Okay you guys, this is it! You ready?

Ralph Hapschatt: Looks like Betty’s going to throw her bouquet. THROW IT TO THE SLUT!

Janet: I got it! I got it! HOW WAS IT?

Ralph Hapschatt: Hey big fella (HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?)… …looks like it could be your turn next eh?

Brad: Who knows? THE SHADOW KNOWS!

Ralph Hapschatt: Well, so long. See you Brad. THINK ABOUT IT ASSHOLE!  SHE GOT HERS NOW HE’LL GET HIS.  See you Brad. OLD FARTS!

Janet: Oh Brad, wasn’t it wonderful? NO! Didn’t Betty look radiantly beautiful? NO! Oh, I can’t believe that an hour ago she was plain old Betty Monroe, and now… SHE’S STILL PLAIN! …now she’s Mrs. Ralph Hapschatt. HORSE SHIT!

Brad: Yes Janet, Ralph’s a lucky guy. NO HE’S NOT, SHE’S GOT ZITS or LUCKY HELL, BETTY’S GOT THE CLAP!

Janet: Yes! OLD Oh, I always cry at weddings. AND LAUGH AT FUNERALS.

Brad: Why everyone knows that Betty’s a wonderful little cook. AND A GREAT FUCK!

Janet: Yes! WHY THE FUCK IS THERE A BILLBOARD IN THE MIDDLE OF A CEMETERY?

Brad: Why Ralph himself, he’ll be in line for a promotion in a year or two.

Janet: Yes!

Brad: Hey Janet.

Janet: Yes Brad?

Brad: I’ve got something to say. SAY IT ASSHOLE! I really loved the… STARTS WITH AN S, SUCK, SUCK, SUCK. …skillful way… WHAT A FUCKING GENIUS! …you beat the girls… WITH WHIPS AND CHAINS! …to the bride’s bouquet. HAVE AN ORGASM BITCH! SING IT ASSHOLE! The river was deep, but I swam it. JANET. The future is ours so let’s plan it. JANET. So please don’t tell me to can it. JANET. There’s one thing to say and that’s DAMN IT! JANET! LET’S GO SCREW! damn it! Janet! I love you! The road was long, but I ran it. JANET. There’s a fire in my heart and you fan it. JANET. HEY RIFF, KILL THAT SMURF! If there’s one fool for you then I am it. JANET. I have one thing to say and that’s damn it! Janet! I love you! ONLY ASSHOLES WRITE ON CHURCH DOORS. Here’s the ring to prove that I’m no joker. HE’S A QUEEN! There’s three ways that love can grow. FIND ‘EM, FUCK ‘EM, AND FORGET ‘EM! or SEX, DRUGS, AND ROCK N’ ROLL That’s good, bad, or mediocre. HOW DO YOU SPELL SLUT? J-A-N-E-T I love you so!

Janet: Oh, this is nicer than Betty Monroe had. OH BRAD. Now we’re engaged and I’m so glad. OH BRAD. That you FUCKED MOM AND YOU BLOW DAD. met mom and you know dad. OH BRAD. There’s one thing to say and that’s: Brad, I’m mad for A SCREW! you too! Oh Brad!

Brad: Oh… …damn it!

Janet: I’m PREGNANT! mad.

Brad: Oh SHIT! Janet!

Janet: For you.

Brad: I WANT TO SCREW YOU TOO! I love you too-oo-oo-oo.

Brad and Janet: There’s one thing left to do THAT’S SCREW! ah-oo.

Brad: PICK A BUGGER AND LET IT FLY ASSHOLE! And that’s go see the man who began it. JANET. When we met in his science exam-it. JANET! PLAY WITH YOURSELF ASSHOLE! Made me give you the eye and then panic. JANET Now I’ve one thing to say and that’s DAMN IT! JANET! LET’S GO SCREW! Damn it! Janet! I love you! ASSHOLE SHUFFLE! Damn it, Janet…

Janet: Oh Brad, I’m mad.

Brad: Damn it, Janet. DAMN IT! JANET! LET’S GO SCREW. I love you… SPLIT THE CROSS PLEASE. THANK YOU!

Rocky Horror Picture Show auditionCriminologist: WHERE’S YOUR FUCKING NECK? I would like, YOU WOULD, WOULDN’T YOU? if I may, YOU MAY. to take you WHERE? on a strange journey. HOW STRANGE WAS IT? NOT THE BOOK, THE MOVIE! THREE PAGES TO ASSHOLE, TWO PAGES TO ASSHOLE, ONE PAGE TO ASSHOLE, ASSHOLE! AND A STATEMENT TO PROVE IT! SLUT AND A STATEMENT TO PROVE IT! It seemed a fairly ordinary night, when Brad Majors ASSHOLE, and his fiancee’ Janet Weiss, two young, ordinary, healthy kids, left Denton, that late November evening IT WAS AUGUST! to visit a Dr. Everett Scott KISS ASS! AND A STATEMENT TO PROVE IT! ex-tutor, and now friend to both of them. IS IT TRUE THAT YOU MASTURBATE? It’s true, there were dark storm clouds. DESCRIBE YOUR BALLS. heavy, black, and pendulous, toward which they were driving. IS IT ALSO TRUE YOU’RE CONSTIPATED? It’s true also, that the spare tire they were carrying was badly in need of some air, LIKE YOU NECK! but they being normal kids and on a night out, well they weren’t going to let a storm spoil the events of their evening. HEY CHUCKIE, WHAT WAS IT? On a night out… A WHAT? …it was a night out… …they were going to remember FOR HOW LONG? for a very long time.

CAR SCENE

(DURING THIS SCENE WAVE YOUR ARMS BACK AND FORTH SAYING “ASSHOLE, SLUT, ASSHOLE, SLUT…” AS APPROPRIATE.)

NAH-NAH-NAH-NAH – BATMAN!

President Nixon: HEY DICK HAVE YOU EVER BEEN A QUITER? I have never been a quitter. BULLSHIT! To leave office before my term is completed is abhorrent to every instinct in my body. But as President YOU CALL THAT A PRESIDENT?, I must put the interests of America first. WHAT DOES AMERICA NEED? American needs a full time President, WHAT ELSE? or NOT A PART TIME CROOK! and a full time Congress, particularly at this time…

Janet: Gosh, that’s the third motorcycle that’s past us NO IT’S THE FIRST, SLUTS CAN’T COUNT. They sure do take their lives in their hands, what with the weather and all.

Brad: Yes Janet, life’s pretty cheap for that type. DON’T EAT THAT, IT’LL GIVE YOU ZITS!

Janet: What’s the matter Brad darling? THERE’S CUM ON THE WINDSHIELD!

Brad: Hmmm, we must’ve take a wrong fork a few miles back. FORK YOU!

Janet: But then where did that motorcyclist come from? DETROIT OR TOKYO!

Brad: Well, I guess we’ll just have to turn back.

Janet: What was that bang? IT WAS A GANG BANG!

Brad: We must have a blowout, damn it! JANET! I knew I should have gotten that spare tire fixed. ASSHOLE. Well, you just stay here and keep warm and I’ll go for help.

Janet: Where will you go? We’re in the middle of nowhere.

Brad: HEY ASSHOLE, WHAT’S WHITE AND SELLS HAMBURGERS? Didn’t we pass a castle back down the road a few miles? CHEER Maybe they have a telephone I could use. CASTLES DON’T HAVE PHONES ASSHOLE.

Janet: I’m going with you.

Brad: Oh darling, there’s no sense in both of us getting wet.

Janet: I’m coming with you! OR WITHOUT YOU! or THAT’LL BE A FIRST Besides darling, the owner of that phone might be a beautiful woman SHE’S HALF RIGHT. and you might never come back again.

[Rain scene]

(USE YOUR WATER GUNS NOW AND COVER YOUR HEADS WITH NEWSPAPER.)

KICK THE TIRE ASSHOLE! BUY AN UMBRELLA YOU CHEAP BITCH! SLUTS CAN’T READ! LIGHT UP THE SIGN PLEASE. THANK YOU! HEY JANET, LOOK OUT FOR THE SLUT EATING TREE! (FLICK YOUR LIGHTER OR FLASHLIGHT ON DURING THIS CHORUS AND TURN THEM OFF AT THE WORD DARKNESS.)

Janet: In the velvet darkness… …of the blackest night… …burning bright MUST HAVE USED CLOROX… …there’s a guiding star. IT WAS A PLANET JANET. No matter what WHEN, WHERE, WHY, AND HOW. or, who you are. WHAT’S IN YOUR REFRIGERATOR? There’s a light, over at the EPCOTT CENTER. Frankenstein place. There’s a light, burning in the fireplace. There’s a light, a light, in the darkness of everybody’s life. ONE! TWO! THREE!

Riff Raff: SING IT RIFF! Darkness must go down the river of night’s dreaming. HOW ABOUT A CLOSE-UP RIFF? Flow morphia slow, let the sun and light come streaming into my life. RIFF! LOOK OUT FOR THE INDOOR LIGHTNING MACHINE! Into my life…

Janet: There’s a light, over at the EPCOTT CENTER Frankenstein place. GRATEFUL DEAD! GRATEFUL DEAD! There’s a light, burning in the fireplace. There’s a light, a light, in the darkness of everybody’s life.

Criminologist: HEY, WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE? THANK YOU! And so it seemed that fortune had smiled on Brad and Janet, and that they had found the assistance that their plight required. Or had they?

Janet: Oh Brad, let’s go back! I’m cold and I’m frightened? WHY DOES JANET HAVE A CONDOM IN HER HAIR?

Brad: Just a moment Janet. They may have a phone. DING DONG, ASSHOLE CALLING.

Rain scene from Rocky Horror Picture ShowRiff Raff: SAY HELLO RIFF! Hello…

Brad: Hi! My name’s Brad Majors ASSHOLE. and this is my fiancee’ Janet Weiss. SLUT! I wonder if you might help us, you see, our car broke down a few miles up the road. Do you have a phone we might use?

Riff Raff: You’re wet… NO SHIT SHERLOCK!

Janet: Yes, it’s raining. NO SHIT!

Brad: Yes!

Riff Raff: DO YOU FUCK YOUR SISTER? Yes… GET PARANOID RIFF. …I think perhaps you’d better both come inside. I DON’T THINK THAT I CAN COME THAT FAR!

Janet: SAY SOMETHING NICE JANET. You’re too kind. HEY BRAD, SHOW US HOW ASSHOLES FLY. WE SEE YOU MAGENTA! Oh Brad, I’m frightened! What kind of place is this?

Brad: Oh, it’s probably some kind of hunting lodge for rich weirdoes. YEAH RICH WEIRDOES!

Riff Raff: HEY RIFF, WHICH WAY? This way… FOLLOW THE BOUNCING THUMB! DAH-DUM, DAH-DUM…

Janet: Are you having a party?

Riff Raff: You’ve arrived on a rather special night. It’s one of the master’s affairs. WHICH ONE?

Janet: Oh, lucky him.

Magenta: You’re lucky, he’s lucky, I’m lucky, THE BANISTER’S LUCKY! we’re all lucky!

THE TIME WARP!

(DO THE TIME WARP!)

Riff Raff: HEY RIFF, SHOW US YOUR MOTHER. It’s astounding, time is fleeting. Madness, takes it’s toll, but listen closely…

Magenta: Not for very much longer.

Riff Raff: HOW MANY BALLS DO YOU HAVE? I’ve got to keep control. LOSE IT! I remember, doing the Time Warp! KICK! KICK! Drinking… …those moment’s when, the blackness would hit me, and the voice would be calling…

Transylvanians: Let’s do the Time Warp again! Let’s do the Time Warp again!

Criminologist: HOW’S IT DONE? It’s just a jump to the left…

Transylvanians: And then a step to the right.

Criminologist: With your hands on your hips. OR SOMEBODY ELSE’S!

Transylvanians: You bring your knees in tight, but it’s the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane. Let’s do the Time Warp again! Let’s do the Time Warp again!

Magenta: It’s so dreamy. Oh, fantasy free me! So you can’t see me DO YOU DOUCHE? no not at all. WHERE DO YOU GET YOUR HAIR DONE? In another dimension, with voyeuristic intentions. WHERE ARE YOUR BREASTS? Where secluded, CAN YOU SEE THIS? (GIVE MAGENTA THE FINGER.) I see all. OH SHIT!

Riff Raff: With a bit of the mind flip.

Magenta: You’re into the time slip! FUCK THAT BIRD

Riff Raff: And nothing can ever be the same.

Magenta: You’re spaced out on sensation.

Riff Raff: WHAT’S THE AUDIENCE? Like you’re under sedation!

Transylvanians: Let’s do the Time Warp again! Let’s do the Time Warp again!

Columbia: Well I was walking down the street, just a-having a think, when a snake of a guy gave me an evil wink. He shook-a me up, he took me by surprise, he had a pickup truck and the devil’s eyes. He stared at me and I felt a change, time meant nothing, never would again.

Transylvanians: Let’s do the Time Warp again! Let’s do the Time Warp again!

Criminologist: It’s just a jump to the left.

Transylvanians: And then a step to the right.

Rocky Horror Picture Show Time Warp DanceCriminologist: With your hands on your hips. OR SOMEBODY ELSE’S!

Transylvanians: You bring your knees in tight, but it’s the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane. Let’s do the Time Warp again! Let’s do the Time Warp again! TWO, FOUR, SIX, EIGHT, SHOW US HOW YOU MASTURBATE! ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR GET YOUR ASS UP OFF THE FLOOR! Let’s do the Time Warp again! Let’s do the Time Warp again!

Criminologist: HEY GET THE FUCK OFF THE DESK! It’s just a jump to the left.

Transylvanians: And then a step to the right.

Criminologist: With your hands on your hips. OR SOMEBODY ELSE’S!

Transylvanians: You bring your knees in tight, but it’s the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane. Let’s do the Time Warp again! Let’s do the Time Warp again! A BEACHED WHALE, HARPOON IT!

Janet: Say something.

Brad: SAY SOMETHING STUPID Say… …one of you guys know how to Madison? ASSHOLE.

Janet: Brad please, let’s get out of here.

Brad: BRAD, TELL JANET HOW TO GET OFF! For God’s sake, keep a grip on yourself Janet.

Janet: But it seems so unhealthy here.

Brad: It’s just a party Janet.

Janet: Well I want to go!

Brad: Well we can’t go anywhere till I get to a phone.

Janet: Well then ask the butler or someone.

Brad: Just a moment Janet, we don’t want to interfere with their celebration.

Janet: This isn’t the Junior Chamber of Commerce Brad!

Brad: They’re probably foreigners with ways different than our own. They may do some more… BUTT FUCKING? …Folk Dancing.

Janet: Look, I’m cold, I’m wet, and I’m just plain scared!

Brad: I’m here, there’s nothing to worry about. (SCREAM)

Frank: How do you do, I see you’ve met my faithful HAND JOB MAN. handyman. He’s just a little brought down, because when you knocked, he thought you were the Candy Man. Don’t get strung out ON COCAINE! by the way I look, SAME THING. don’t judge a book by it’s cover. I’m not much of a man by the light of day, but by night I’m one SICK MOTHERFUCKER. hell of a lover. I’m just a sweet Transvestite, from Transsexual, Transylvania. Let me show you around, maybe play you a sound. You look like you’re both pretty groovy. Or if you want something visual, that’s not too abysmal, we could take in an old KEANU REEVES’. Steve Reeves’ movie.

Brad: I’m glad we caught you at home. Could we use your phone? We’re both in a bit of a hurry.

Janet: Right.

Brad: We’ll just say where we are, then go FUCK IN THE CAR back to the car. We don’t want to be any worry.

Frank: THROW IT! Well you got caught with a flat, well… …how ‘bout that? Well babies, don’t you panic. By the light of the night, it’ll all seem all right. I’ll get you a HISPANIC! Satanic mechanic. I’m just a sweet Transvestite, from Transsexual, Transylvania. Why don’t you stay for the night?

Riff Raff: Night. NIGHT!

Frank: Or maybe a bite?

Columbia: Bite! BITE!

Frank: I could show you my favorite obsession. SEX! I’ve been making a man. YOU CALL THAT A MAN or WHAT’S HE LOOK LIKE? With blonde hair and a tan. WHAT’S HE GOOD FOR? And he’s good for relieving my HARD ON! tension. SAME THING. I’m just a sweet Transvestite HEY COLUMBIA CHECK HIM OUT! from Transsexual, Transylvania. Hit it! I’m just a DIESEL LOCOMOTIVE, WOOO! WOOO! sweet Transvestite from Transsexual, Transylvania! WHAT DO YOU DO IN YOUR SPARE TIME? So! WHAT! Come up to the lab, and see what’s on the slab. I see you shiver with antici… SAY IT! CONSTI! …pation. But maybe the rain, is really to blame, so I’ll remove YOUR CLOTHES the cause… WHAT ABOUT THE SYMPTOM? …but not the symptom!

Janet: WHAT DO YOU SAY WHEN BRAD FUCKS YOU? Thank you.

Brad: WHAT DO YOU SAY WHEN RIFF RAFF FUCKS YOU? Thank you very much.

Janet: Oh, oh Brad!

Brad: It’s all right Janet, we’ll play along for now and pull out the aces when the time is right.

Rocky Horror Picture Show cast of charactersColumbia: HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR SEX? Slowly, slowly, it’s too nice a job to rush.

Brad: Hi! My name’s Brad Majors. ASSHOLE. And this is my fiancee’, Janet Weiss. SLUT. HEY BRAD, HOW DO YOU SPELL URINATE! You are, uh. CLOSE ENOUGH!

Columbia: You’re very lucky to be invited up to Frank’s laboratory, some people would give their LEFT TESTICLE. right arm for the privilege. OR LEFT TIT

Brad: People like you, maybe?

Columbia: Hah! I DON’T DO LAUNDRY! I’ve seen it! GRAB SOMETHING USEFUL BRAD, LIKE A SHOE!

Magenta: Come along, the Master doesn’t like to be kept waiting. Shift it! DON’T DROP THE BOTTLE RIFF, SHIT IT’S SO HARD TO GET GOOD HELP THESE DAYS! FIRST FLOOR, STUPID PINEAPPLE LAMPS.

Janet: Is he, Frank I mean, is he your husband?

Columbia: Hah!

Riff Raff: The Master is not yet married, nor do I think he ever will be. We are simply his… SLAVES? …servants. SAME THING.

FIRST FLOOR, HARDWARE. SLUTS FIRST.  ASSHOLES SECOND.

Janet: Oh.

THE LABORATORY

SHOW US SOMETHING SEXY IN GREEN FRANK! EVERYBODY OUT, VIRGINS FIRST, ASSHOLES SECOND, ASSORTED WEIRDOES TO THE REAR. WE ARE THE WORLD, WE ARE THE CHILDREN!

Frank: WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR? Magenta! WHERE DO YOU GET YOUR DRUGS? Columbia! GOOD CHOICE! Go and assist WOOF WOOF Riff Raff. HE CAN’T GET IT UP! I will entertain, um, ahh… THE CAMERAMAN!

Brad: Brad Majors. ASSHOLE! This is my fiancé, Janet Vice. SLUT!

Janet: Weiss!

Brad: Weiss.

Frank: SAY SOMETHING IN FRENCH FRANK! Enchant’. WHAT’S IT MEAN? Well how nice. THAT’S NOT WHAT IT MEANS. And what charming underclothes you both have. THEY’RE FRUIT OF THE LOOM. But here, put these on, they’ll make you feel less… NAKED? …vulnerable. SAME THING. It’s not often we receive visitors here, let alone offer them hospitality.

Brad: HORSE BRUTALITY? Hospitality? All we wanted to do was to use your telephone God damn it. A reasonable request which you’ve chosen to ignore. IT’S A BIRD, IT’S A PLANE, IT’S SUPER ASSHOLE!

Janet: Brad don’t be ungrateful!

Brad: Ungrateful! SUPERMAN!

Frank: How forceful you are Brad, Such a perfect specimen of manhood. So… BIG? …dominant. GET EMBARRASSED ASSHOLE. You must be awfully proud of him Janet.

Janet: HEY JANET, ARE YOU A SLUT? Well yes, I am.

Frank: Do you have any tattoos Brad?

Brad: ASSHOLES DON’T HAVE TATTOOS. Certainly not!

Frank: Oh well, how ‘bout you? SHOW US YOUR BATTLESHIP JANET!

Riff Raff: Everything is in readiness Master, we merely await your… ORDER. …word. DON’T SPILL IT, OH SHIT ALL OVER MY NEW SUIT!

Brad and Janet StripFrank: HEY FRANK, WHEN’S THE ORGY? Tonight! My unconventional conventionalists, you are to witness a new breakthrough in biochemical research and paradise is to be mine! THOSE ARE SOME WELL HUNG SPEAKERS. It was strange the way it happened. Suddenly you get a break SNAP IT! and all the pieces seem to fit into place. What a sucker you’ve been, what a fool. The answer was there all the time, it took a small accident to make it happen. A WHAT? An accident! And that’s how I discovered the secret, that elusive ingredient, that… WHO GIVES THE BEST BLOWJOBS ON THE ENTERPRISE? …spark! That is the breath of life. DO YOU KNOW HOW TO MASTURBATE or ARE YOU GONNA FUCK EVERYONE IN THE AUDIENCE TONIGHT? Yes! DO YOU KNOW ABOUT GAY SEX? I have that knowledge. WHAT DEODORANT DO YOU USE? I hold the secret. TO LIFE? To life. ITSELF? Itself! (USE NOISEMAKERS) F! You see, K SPELLS FUCK! you are fortunate, for tonight is the night that my beautiful creature is destined to be BUTTFUCKED! born! (USE NOISEMAKERS) Throw open the switches on the sonic oscillator and step up the reactor power input THREE MORE TRIANGLES! three more points! PUT YOUR HUMP INTO IT RIFF!

Janet: Oh Brad!

Brad: It’s all right Janet! HE’S WORKING SO HARD HE’S GOT STEAM COMING OUT OF HIS ASS! YELLOW MOONS, GREEN CLOVERS, BLUE DIAMONDS, AND PURPLE HORSESHOES!

Frank: Oh Rocky!

SWORD OF DAMOCLES/CHARLES ATLAS SONG

Rocky Horror: SAY SOMETHING INTELLIGENT ROCKY! Unnngggghhhh! The Sword of Damocles is hanging over my head and I’ve got the feeling someone’s gonna be cutting the thread! Oh, woe is me, my life is a misery and can’t you see that I’m at the start of a pretty big downer! I woke up this morning with a start when I fell out of bed.

Transylvanians: That ain’t no crime!

Rocky Horror: And left from my dreaming was a feeling of unnamable dread.

Transylvanians: That ain’t no crime!

Rocky Horror: CHECK HIM OUT ASSHOLE! My high is low. I’m dressed up with no place to go and all I know is that I’m at the start of a pretty big downer.

Frank: Oh Rocky!

Transylvanians: Sha-la-la. That ain’t no crime! (refrain)

Rocky Horror: The Sword of Damocles is hanging over my head.

Transylvanians: That ain’t no crime!

Rocky Horror: And I’ve got the feeling someone’s gonna be cutting the thread!

Transylvanians: That ain’t no crime!

Rocky Horror: Oh, woe is me, my life is a mystery and can’t you see that I’m at the start of a pretty big downer. SHAM-A-LAM-A-DING-DONG!

Rocky Horror Picture Show promotional posterFrank: Oh Rocky!

Transylvanians: Sha-la-la. That ain’t no crime! (refrain)

Frank: Oh really! That’s no way to behave on your first day out! CAN YOU FORGIVE HIM? But, hmm, since you’re such an exceptional beauty, ARE YOU GONNA FORGIVE HIM?  I’m prepared to forgive you. IF YOU’RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT CLAP THE BARS, IF YOU’RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT CLAP THE BARS, IF YOU’RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT AND YOU REALLY WANT TO SHOW IT, IF YOU’RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT CLAP THE BARS! Oh, I just love success!

Riff Raff: He’s a credit to your genius Master.

Frank: Yes!

Magenta: A triumph of your will!

Frank: Yes!

Columbia: He’s okay! FUCKED UP!

Frank: WHAT DID SHE SAY? Okay? MORE EMPHASIS! Okay!? I think we can do better than that! WHY DON’T YOU ASK BRAD AND JANET? Now, Brad and Janet, what do you think of him?

Janet: DON’T ASK JANET, SHE’LL LIE! Well, I don’t like men with too many muscles. JUST ONE BIG ONE!

Frank: I didn’t make him for you! WHAT DOES HE CARRY? He carries the Charles Atlas Seal of Approval. (CLAP AND MAKE SEAL SOUNDS) DESCRIBE RIFF RAFF. A weakling weighing 98 pounds, THAT’S RIFF RAFF will get sand in his face when kicked to the ground. And soon in the gym with a determined chin, the sweat from his pores I CAN’T READ THIS SHIT! as he works for his cause. Will make him glisten WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE TOOTHPASTE? and gleam and with massage and just a little bit of VASELINE steam. GO FOR THE GOLD, BUT MISS THE HOLE! He’ll be pink and quite clean. He’ll be a strong man, oh honey, but the wrong man. SHOW US KING KONG’S DICK! He’ll eat nutritious, high protein, and swallow raw eggs, try to build up his shoulders, his chest, arms, and BALLS! legs! Such an effort, if he only knew of my plan, in just seven days AND SIX LONG NIGHTS! I can make you a FAG, JUST LIKE YOUR DAD! man! He’ll do press-up and chip-ups. Do JANET’S! the snatch, clean, and jerk. OFF! He digs dynamic tension, must be hard work. Such strenuous living, I just don’t understand when in just seven days. AND SIX LONG NIGHTS! I can make you a FAG! JUST LIKE YOUR DAD! man! LOOK OUT FOR THE BIG RED DOOR!

Columbia: Eddie! E FUCK THE HELMET LAWS! SING IT FAT BOY! Whatever happened to Saturday night SUNDAY MORNING! when you’re at the job and you felt all right. It don’t seem the same since cosmic light, came into my life, I thought I was divine. I use to go for a ride with a chick who’d go and listen to the music on the radio. A saxophone was blowing on a rock n roll show, we climbed in the back seat and baby had a real good time. Hot patootie, bless my soul, SEX, DRUGS, AND ROCK N ROLL! I really love that rock n roll! (refrain)

Transylvanians: Lovely party! E KICK ASS! KICK ASS! My head, it used to swim from the perfume I smelled, my hands kinda fumbled with her white plastic belt. I kissed my baby’s pink lipstick and that’s when I’d melt, she’d whisper in my ear tonight she really was mine. HEY COLUMBIA WANT A KISS? SIKE! Get back in front, put some hair oil on, Buddy Holly was singing his very last song. With your arms around your girl you try to sing along. SCARE THE SLUT! It felt pretty good, baby had a real good time! Hot patootie, bless my soul, SEX, DRUGS, AND ROCK N ROLL! I really love that rock n roll… DON’T LOSE YOUR HEAD!

Frank: HEY FRANK, THAT’S NO WAY TO PICK YOUR FRIENDS! WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE GRATEFUL DEAD ALBUM? One from the vaults. BLOODY GLOVES? PLANT THEM AT OJ’S HOUSE! Oh baby! I’M UPSET! Don’t be upset. WHAT KIND OF A KILLING WAS IT? It was a mercy killing. WHAT KIND OF CHARM DID HE HAVE? or MERCY, MERCY, MERCY He had a certain naive charm, BUT NO WHAT? but no muscle! SHOW US SOME ROCK! But a deltoid, and a bicep, a cut groin, and a tricep, makes me… WANNA FUCK A MIDGET! …shake! Makes me want to take Charles Atlas by the BALLS! hand. In just seven days AND SIX LONG NIGHTS. I can make you a FAG, JUST LIKE YOUR DAD! man. I don’t want no dissension, just dynamic tension. STRUT, STRUT, STRUT, STRUT.

Janet: SING IT BITCH! I’m a muscle fan!

Frank: In just seven days AND SIX LONG NIGHTS! I can make you a FAG, JUST LIKE YOUR DAD! man! Dig it, if you can! In just seven days AND SIX LONG NIGHTS I can make you a FAG, JUST LIKE YOUR DAD! man.

BRAD AND JANET GET SOME

Criminologist: There are those who say life is an illusion, LIKE YOUR NECK! that reality is simply a figment of the imagination. LIKE YOUR NECK! If this is so, then Brad and Janet are quite safe. HOWEVER. However, the sudden departure of their host and his LOVER! creation, into the seclusion of his somber bridal suite had left them feeling both apprehensive and HORNY! uneasy. WHATEVER HAPPENED TO FEELING GAY AND MERRY? A feeling which grew UNLIKE YOUR NECK! as the other guests departed and they were shown to their separate rooms. PINK IS FOR VIRGINS. LOOK OUT FOR THE BASIN! SHE HITS THAT THING EVERY WEEK. BLUE IS FOR ASSHOLES, AT LEAST THE BASIN’S SAFE. MAKE A FACE LIKE A MONKEY RIFF!

Janet: Who is it? Who’s there? CANDYGRAM.

Dammit JanetFrank: It’s only me Janet.

Janet: Oh Brad darling, come in. ALL THE WAY IN! Oh Brad! Oh yes my darling, oh, but what if?

Frank: It’s all right Janet, everything’s going to be all right.

Janet: Oh, I hope so my darling. DON’T TOUCH THE HAIR! Oh! A DEAD RAT! It’s you!

Frank: I’m afraid so Janet, but isn’t it nice?

Janet: Oh you beast! You monster, oh! What have you done with Brad? NOTHING YET!

Frank: Oh well, nothing. Why? Do you think I should?

Janet: You tricked me! I wouldn’t have, I never, never…

Frank: Yes, yes I know, but it isn’t all bad is it? I think you’ll really find it quite pleasurable.

Janet: Oh, oh stop! I mean help! Oh Brad, oh Brad! HE’S NOT DOWN THERE!

Frank: Brad’s probably asleep by now, do you want him to see you like this?

Janet: It’s your fault, you’re to blame! Oh, I was saving myself. FOR A RAINY DAY?

Frank: I’m sure you’re not spent, yet. SPEND HER, SPEND HER, LEAVE A DEPOSIT!

Janet: Promise you won’t tell Brad?

Frank: Cross my heart and hope to die. YOU WILL! MOP, MOP, MOP, ALL DAY LONG! MOP, MOP, MOP WHILE I SING THIS SONG! HEY SIS, LET’S GO FUCK WITH THE MONSTER! GOD MY BROTHER HAS A GREAT ASS. GIVE US A TWITCH ROCKY! WE KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING, BUT IT’LL NEVER FIT! ONE FOR THE ROAD! ELBOW SEX, ELBOW SEX! HEY RIFF RAFF, I THINK THERE’S A BUG ON MAGENTA’S NECK! WHERE IS THE BATHROOM IN THIS PLACE?

Frank: Oh Brad darling, it’s no good here. It’ll destroy us.

Brad: Don’t worry Janet, we’ll be away from here in the morning.

Frank: Oh Brad, you’re so strong and protective. DON’T TOUCH THE HAIR! IT’S THE SAME DEAD RAT!

Brad: You!

Frank: I’m afraid so Brad, but isn’t it nice?

Brad: Why you, what have you done with Janet? MORE THAN YOU HAVE.

Frank: Oh nothing. LIAR! Why? Do you think I should?

Brad: You tricked me. I wouldn’t have, I’ve never, never, never! WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE TIME IN BOY SCOUTS?

Frank: Yes, I know, but it isn’t all bad is it? Not even half bad. I think you really quite enjoyed it.

Brad: Oh stop it, stop it. Janet, Janet! SHE’S NOT DOWN THERE!

Frank: Janet’s probably asleep by now, do you want her to see you like this?

Brad: Like this, like hell! It’s you’re fault, you’re to blame! WHY DID YOU DRINK PEPSI? I thought it was the real thing! BITE IT!

Frank: Oh come on Brad, admit it. You liked it, didn’t you? There’s no crime in giving yourself over to pleasure. EXCEPT IN (INSERT YOUR STATE HERE)! Brad, we’ve wasted so much time already, Janet needn’t know, I won’t tell her.

Brad: Well if you promise you won’t tell.

Frank: On my mother’s grave. DON’T TALK WITH YOUR MOUTH FULL FRANK!

Eddit with Columbia on his bikeRiff Raff: IT’S RIFF RAFF, THE AMAZING TALKING STOP SIGN! Master, Rocky has broken his chains and vanished. The new playmate is loose and somewhere on the castle grounds. IS ANYONE DOING ANYTHING? Magenta has just released the dogs. MAGENTA IS A DOG.

Frank: Coming! SO IS BRAD!

JANET AND ROCKY

Janet: THE THREE FACES OF JANET WEISS. What’s happening here? Where’s Brad? Where’s anybody? ROCKY STILL CAN’T FIND THE BATHROOM. Oh Brad. Brad my darling. JANET MY SLUT! How could I do this to you? IT WAS EASY, NO IT WAS HARD, THAT’S WHY IT WAS EASY! WOMAN DRIVERS, NO SURVIVORS! Oh, if only we hadn’t made this journey. STRIKE ONE! If only the car hadn’t broken down. STRIKE TWO! If only we were amongst friends, or sane persons. STRIKE THREE, YOU’RE OUT! Oh Brad! GET PISSED SLUT! What have they done with him. Oh Brad, oh Brad how could you. SHE’S ONLY CRYING BECAUSE SHE CAN’T JUMP THAT HIGH! DON’T BOTHER HIM, HE’S MONSTERBATING. SHIT, NO PRIVACY IN THIS PLACE. Oh, but you’re hurt, did they do this to you? Oh here, I’ll dress your wounds. I’VE GOT MORE HURT THAN YOU’VE GOT SKIRT LADY! Baby there. HEY JANET, SMILE IF YOU’RE HORNY!

Criminologist: Emotion: Agitation or disturbance of mind, vehement or excited mental state. LOOK THAT UP IN YOUR FUCK N WAGNELS! It is also a powerful and irrational master. And from what Magenta and Columbia eagerly viewed on their television monitor, there seemed little doubt that Janet was indeed it’s slave.

Columbia and Magenta: Tell us about it Janet.

Janet: I KNOW THE SLUT ON THE LEFT AND THE DUMB SHIT ON THE RIGHT, BUT WHO’S THE DICK IN THE MIDDLE? I was feeling done in, couldn’t win. The only other I’d kissed before.

Columbia: You mean she’s? A VIRGIN?

Magenta: Uh-huh.

Janet: I thought there’s no use getting into heavy petting. TOO LATE! It only leads to trouble and BED. seat wetting. Now all I want to know is how to go. I’ve tasted CUM! blood and I want more.

Columbia and Magenta: More, more, more.

Janet: I’ll put up no resistance, I want to stay the distance. I’ve got an itch to scratch, FRANKIE HAS CRABS! I need assistance! FUCK-A, FUCK-A, FUCK-A FUCK ME! Touch-a, touch-a, touch-a, touch me, I wanna be dirty! Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me creature of the night. LOOKS LIKE A TACO, SMELLS LIKE A FISH, THIS WOULD BE A GOOD PLACE FOR A STICKUP! Then if anything grows, IT WILL. while you pose, I’ll oil you up and rub you down.

Columbia and Magenta: Down, down, down.

Rocky Horror Picture Show's Riff RaffJanet: And that’s just one small fraction of the main attraction. You need a friendly hand and I need action! HEY, THIS IS MORE FUN THAN PLAY-DOUGH! Touch-a, touch-a, touch-a, touch me, I wanna be dirty! Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me creature of the night.

Columbia: Touch-a, touch-a, touch-a, touch me!

Magenta: I wanna be dirty!

Columbia: Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me!

Magenta: Creature of the night!

Janet: Oh! FUCK-A, FUCK-A, FUCK-A FUCK ME! Touch-a, touch-a, touch-a, touch me, I wanna be dirty! Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me creature of the night. ROCKY

HORROR ROLL CALL!

Rocky Horror: ROCKY! Creature of the night!

Brad: BRAD! Creature of the night!

Frank: FRANKIE! Creature of the night!

Magenta: MAGENTA! Creature of the night!

Riff Raff: RIFF RAFF! Creature of the night!

Columbia: COLUMBIA! Creature of the night!

Rocky Horror: ROCKY! Creature of the night!

Janet: Creature of the night! HAVE AN ORGASM BITCH!

LABORATORY SCENE II

Riff Raff: HOW DO YOU SAY THANK YOU IN FRENCH? Mercy!

Frank: How did it happen? I understood you were to be watching!

Riff Raff: I was only away for a minute, DOING WHAT? Master. BATING.

Frank: Well see if you can find him on the monitor! WE’VE SEEN YOUR FOREHAND FRANK, NOW LET’S SEE YOUR BACKHAND. NEEDS WORK!

Riff Raff: Master. BATOR. Master. BATOR. We have a visitor.

Brad: WHAT DOES CAPTAIN KIRK CALL HIS CHIEF ENGINEER? Hey, Scotty! Dr. Everett Scott. KISS ASS!

Riff Raff: You know this Earthling. FUCKED UP! Person?

Brad: I most certainly do, he happens to be an old friend of mine.

Frank: D! I see! K! SPELLS DICK! So this wasn’t simply a chance meeting, you came here on purpose. I THOUGHT HE CAME ON YOU?

Brad: I told you my car broke down, I was telling the truth. ASSHOLES NEVER LIE.

Frank: I know what you told me Brad, but this Dr. Everett Scott, his name is not unknown to me.

Brad: He was a science teacher at Denton High School.

Frank: And now he works for your government, doesn’t he Brad? He’s attached to the Bureau of Investigation, of that which you call U F O’s! Isn’t that right Brad?

Brad: He might be, I don’t know!

Riff Raff: The intruder is entering the building Master.

Frank: WHERE WILL HE PROBABLY BE? He’ll probably be in the Zen Room. A ROACH, SMOKE IT SCOTTY! Shall we inquire of him in person? NO, NOT THE TRIPLE CONTACT ELECTRO MAGNET! RING AROUND THE LESBIANS! DAMN TOURISTS. HEY KOOLAID!

Brad: Great Scott! (THROW TOILET PAPER.)

Dr. Scott: WHO’S THE FAGGOT HERE DOC? Frank N Furter, we meet at last! NO AT FIRST.

Brad: Dr. Scott!

Dr. Scott: Brad what are you doing here? GETTING LAID BY A FAG!

Frank: Don’t play games Dr. Scott. You know perfectly well what Brad Majors is doing here. It was part of your plan was it not, that he and his female should check the layout for you? THEY CHECKED IN AND GOT LAID! Well, unfortunately for you all, the plans are to be changed. YOU MEAN THE ORGY’S OFF? I hope you’re adaptable Dr. Scott, I know Brad is. GET EMBARRASSED ASSHOLE!

Dr. Scott: I can assure you that Brad’s presence here comes as a complete surprise to me. I came here to find Eddie.

Brad: Eddie? I’ve seen him…

Frank: Eddie? What do you know of Eddie, Dr. Scott?

Dr. Scott: HE’S FAT, HE’S DEAD, AND HE’S THE MAIN COURSE! I happen to know a great deal about a lot of things. F! You see, K! SPELLS FUCK! Eddie happens to be my nephew.

Brad: Dr. Scott… MOUSEKETEER ROLL CALL!

Dr. Scott: Janet!

Janet: Dr. Scott!

Brad: Janet!

Janet: Brad!

Frank: Rocky! UGH!

Dr. Scott: Janet!

Riff Raff and MagentaJanet: Dr. Scott!

Brad: Janet!

Janet: Brad!

Frank: Rocky! UGH!

Dr. Scott: Janet!

Janet: Dr. Scott!

Brad: Janet!

Janet: Brad!

Frank: Rocky! UGH! Listen, I made you CAN YOU BREAK HIM? and I can break you just as easily!

Magenta: Master, dinner is prepared!

Frank: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF ORalph Hapschatt: SEX? Excellent, under the circumstances, formal dress is to be optional. TOGA! TOGA! TOGA!

Criminologist: Food has always played a vital role in life’s rituals. The breaking of bread, the last meal of a condemned man, and now… …this meal. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7. WHY THE FUCK DOES HE HAVE SEVEN FORKS? However informal as it may appear, you can be sure there was to be very little, bon ami. DINNER HEY EDDIE GET YOUR ASS OFF THE TABLE! GENTLEMEN, START YOUR ENGINES. WHAT KIND OF WINE IS IT? MUST BE TABLE WINE. HEY DR. SCOTT, COVER UP YOUR HARD ON!

Frank: WHAT DID YOU HAVE FOR BREAKFAST FRANK? A toast! (THROW TOAST.) To absent friends.

ALL To absent friends.

Frank: And Rocky. (PARTY HATS ON SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY.) Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Rocky… …shall we? HEY RIFF, DEAL ME A SLICE. HEY ROCKY, EAT LIKE A MARINE, NO EAT LIKE A MARINE OFFICER.

Dr. Scott: We came here to discuss Eddie.

Columbia: Eddie?

Frank: GET PISSED FRANK! That’s a rather tender subject, another slice anyone? BRAD GETS IT, JANET GETS IT, DR. SCOTT GETS IT, ROCKY DOESN’T CARE!

Columbia: Excuse me… WHAT’S THE MATTER COLUMBIA, YOU’VE EATEN EDDIE BEFORE. YEAH, BUT NOT WITH CATSUP!

Dr. Scott: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING TO? I knew he was in with a bad crowd, but this is worse than I imagined. Aliens!

ALL Dr. Scott!

Frank: Go on Dr. Scott, or should I say Dr. Von Scott! SIEG-HIEL!

Brad: What exactly are you implying?

Dr. Scott: It’s all right!

Brad: But Dr. Scott!

Dr. Scott: That’s all right Brad. From the day he was born, NOT THE NIGHT, BUT THE DAY. he was trouble. WITH A CAPITAL T. He was the thorn, NOT THE ROSE, BUT THE THORN. in his mother’s side. NOT THE FRONT, BUT THE SIDE. She tried in vain.

Criminologist: BUT SHE NEVER TRIED COCAINE. But her never caused her nothing, but shame. LIKE YOUR FUCKING NECK!

Dr. Scott: He left home the day she died. GET DOWN SCOTTY! From the day he was born all he wanted, was Rock n Roll porn HI MOM! (WAVE) and a motor bike. Shooting up junk.

Criminologist: He was a low down, cheap little punk. YEAH PUNK!

Dr. Scott: Taking everyone for a ride! When Eddie said he didn’t like his teddy you knew he was a no good kid, but when he threatened your life with a switchblade knife…

Frank: What a FAG! guy!

Janet: Makes you GAG! cry!

Dr. Scott: Unt I did!

Columbia: Everybody FUCKED. shoved him, I very nearly SUCKED. loved him. I said hey I WANTED WALLET NOT WALL SIZE. listen to me, stay sane inside security, but he TIED ME UP AND PISSED ALL OVER ME. locked the door and threw away the key!

Dr. Scott: But be must have been drawn WITH A CRAYON. into something, making him warn, WHO? me in a note which reads…

ALL What’s it say, what’s it say?

E I’m outta my head. H E D! Oh, hurry, or I may be dead. GOT THAT ONE RIGHT! They mustn’t carry out their evil deed! When Eddie said he didn’t like his teddy you knew he was a no good kid, but when he threatened your life with a switchblade knife…

Frank: What a FAG! guy!

Janet: Makes you GAG! cry!

Rocky lifting weightsDr. Scott: Unt I did! When Eddie said he didn’t like his teddy you knew he was a no good kid, but when he threatened your life with a BALL POINT PEN! switchblade knife!

Frank: What a guy!

Janet: Makes you cry! WHAT DOES FAT ALBERT SAY?

ALL Hey, hey, hey…

Dr. Scott: Unt I did… WHAT THE HELL IS AN UNT ANYWAY? FRANK, IT’S YOUR TURN TO CLEAR THE TABLE!

Frank: Oh Rocky, YOU HETEROSEXUAL! how could you? SLAP THAT BITCH!

Dr. Scott: WHICH WAY, WHICH WAY? This way, this way!

Riff Raff: Ha, ha, ha! Shut up!

THE CHASE

Frank: I’ll tell you once, I won’t tell you twice! You’d better wise up, Janet Weiss. Your apple pie, don’t taste too nice. You’d better wise up, Janet Weiss. I’ve laid the seed, it should be all you need. You’re as sensual as a pencil, wound up like an E or first string. When we made it didn’t you hear a bell ring? You’ve got a block? Well take my advice, you’d better wise up, Janet Weiss. The Transducer, will seduce ya!

Janet: My feet! I can’t move my feet!

Dr. Scott: My wheels, my God I can’t move my wheels!

Brad: MY SOCKS! It’s as if we’re glued to the spot!

Frank: You are, so quake with fear you tiny fools!

Janet: Oh, we’re trapped!

Frank: It’s something you’ll get used to, a mental mind fuck can be nice! HEY DOESN’T ANYBODY USE THE DOOR IN THIS PLACE?

Dr. Scott: You won’t find Earth people quite the easy mark you’ve imagined. This Sonic Transducer, it is I suppose, some kind of audio-vibratory, physio-molecular, transport device?

Brad: You mean? A VIBRATOR!

Dr. Scott: Yes Brad, it’s something we ourselves have been working on for quite some time. But it seems our friend here has found a means of perfecting it. A PERFECT VIBRATOR! A device which is capable of breaking down solid matter and then projecting it through space and who knows, perhaps even time itself! A PERFECT, PORTABLE VIBRATOR!

Janet: You mean he’s going to send us to another planet?

Frank: Planet, Schmanet, Janet! You’d better wise up, Janet Weiss. You’d better wise up, build your thighs up, you’d better wise up…

Criminologist: And then she cried out!

Janet: MORE! Stop!

Frank: Don’t get hot and flustered! HOW DO YOU MAKE A HOT DOG TASTE BETTER? Use a bit of mustard!

Brad: You’re a hot dog, (CHUCK HOT DOGS.) but you’d better not try to hurt her, Frank Furter!

Dr. Scott: You’re a BUTT DART! hot dog, but you’d better not try to hurt her, Frank Furter!

Janet: You’re a hot dog! NICE TITS JANET!

Eddit played by MeatloafColumbia: My God, I can’t stand any more of this. First you spurn me for Eddie and then you throw him off like an old overcoat for Rocky. You chew people up and then you spit them out again. DO YOU LOVE ME? I loved you… I CAN’T HEAR YOU. Do you hear me? I loved you. And what did it get me. yeah I’ll tell you, a big nothing. You’re like a sponge, you take, take, take and drain others of their love and emotion. Yeah well, I’ve had enough. PEEK A BOO! You’ve gotta choose between me and Rocky, so named because of the rocks in his head. JESUS CHRIST, WHAT A BITCH, QUICK MAGENTA THROW THE SWITCH! SANDY DUNCAN?

Frank: It’s not easy having a good time. SO TRY DISNEYLAND. Even smiling makes my face ache. SO BITE YOUR KNUCKLE. GO TO YOUR FAVORITE RED WALL. And my children turn on me, Rocky’s behaving just the way that Eddie did. Do you think I made a mistake, splitting his brain between the two of them?

Magenta: I grow weary of this world, when shall we return to Transylvania huh? TAKE A QUAALUDE BITCH!

Frank: Magenta, I am indeed grateful, to both you and your brother Riff Raff. STROKE, STROKE, STROKE. You have both served me well. Loyalty such as yours shall not go unrewarded. You will discover, that when the mood takes me I can be quite generous.

Magenta: HOW MUCH DO YOU CHARGE FOR BLOWJOBS? I ask for nothing, Master!

Frank: And you shall receive it, in abundance! WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE FOOD Come! We are ready for the floor show. IF ANYONE HAS SEEN MAGENTA’S EYES, PLEASE RETURN THEM TO THE FRONT DESK. ELBOW SEX, ELBOW SEX! THE HANDICAPPED ARE ALWAYS GETTING FUCKED OVER!

Criminologist: So, by some extraordinary coincidence, fate it seemed, had decided that Brad and Janet should keep their appointment with their friend, Dr. Everett Scott. But it was to be in a situation which none of them could have possibly foreseen. And just a few hours after announcing their engagement, Brad and Janet had both tasted… FRANKIE! …forbidden fruit. This in itself was proof that their host was a man of little morals and some persuasion. What further indignities were they to be subjected to? And what of the floor show that had been spoken of? WHERE DO YOU MASTURBATE? In an empty house? WHEN DO YOU MASTURBATE? In the middle of the night? BEST TIME! WHAT DEMENTED CHICKEN STEPPED ON YOUR FOREHEAD, SAT ON YOUR CHIN, AND ATE YOUR FUCKING NECK? What diabolical plan had seized Frank’s crazed imagination? What indeed? From what had gone before, it was clear this was to be A PICNIC? no picnic.

THE FLOOR SHOW

Frank: STICK OUT YOUR TONGUE! HIT THEM ALL!

Columbia: HOW DID YOU ENJOY SEX WITH FRANKIE? It was great when it all began, I was a regular Frankie fan. But it was over when he had the plan, to start a working on a muscle man. Now the only thing that gives me hope, is my love of a certain dope. Rose tints my world, keeps me safe from my trouble and pain.

Rocky Horror: I am just seven hours old. AND CAN’T DANCE! Truly beautiful to behold. BUT YOU CAN’T DANCE! And somebody should be told THAT YOU CAN’T DANCE! my libido hasn’t been controlled. Now the only thing I’ve come to trust, IS JANET’S BUST! is an orgasmic rush of lust. FUCK THAT BOA! Rose tints my world, keeps me safe from my trouble and pain!

Brad: WHAT DO YOU SAY WHEN YOU WANT TO CUM? It’s beyond me, help me mommy! I’ll be good, you’ll see, take this dream away. What’s this? THE FLOOR. Let’s see. YEP, IT’S THE FLOOR! I feel sexy. What’s come over me? FRANKIE! Whoa, here it comes again!

Janet: Oh, I feel released, bad times decreased. My TWAT SIZE! confidence has increased, reality is here. The game has been disbanded, my mind has been expanded. It’s a gas that Frankie’s landed, his lust is so sincere! BLOW US A KISS SLUT!

Frank: RKO? I THOUGHT IT WAS TWENTIETH CENTURY FOX! NOW THE MOVIE DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE! NOW I’M GOING TO HAVE TO SEE IT ALL OVER AGAIN! Whatever happened to Faye Wray? That delicate, satin draped frame. IT WAS POLYESTER. As it clung to her thighs. LIKE A HOMESICK ABORTION! How I started to cry… YOU’D CRY TOO IF YOU HAD A HOMESICK ABORTION STUCK TO YOUR LEG! …cause I wanted to be dressed just the same. KICK THAT DICK! Give yourself over to absolute pleasure. Swim the warm waters of sins of the flesh. Erotic nightmares, beyond any measure, and sensual daydreams to treasure forever. Can’t you just see it, oh, oh, ho… I SAID THE CEILING NOT THE FLOOR, THAT’S THE LAST TIME I HIRE A NINJA TURTLE TO DO ANYTHING! HEY WAITER, THERE’S A TRANSVESTITE IN MY SOUP. SHUT UP OR EVERYBODY WILL WANT ONE. THE TITANIC IS THE ONLY THING FRANKIE HASN’T GONE DOWN ON! Don’t dream it, be here… …don’t…

Dr. Scott: CLEAR YOUR THROAT SCOTTY! Ach! We’ve got to get out of this trap. Before this decadence saps our wills. I’ve got to be strong and try to hang on, or else my mind may well snap! CRACKLE, POP! And my life, will be lived… WHY DO YOU MASTURBATE? …for the thrill!

Brad: HOW DEEP IS JANET’S PUSSY? It’s beyond me, help me mommy! DROWN

THE ASSHOLE!

Janet: God bless Lily St. Cyr!

Frank: WHOSE ORGY IS THIS? My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my! I’m a wild and an untamed thing. I’m a bee with a deadly sting. You get ahead and your mind goes ping! Your heart’ll pump and your blood will ring. So let the party and the sounds rock on! We’re gonna shake it till the light has gone. Rose tints my world, keeps me safe from my troubles and pain! JOHN, PAUL, GEORGE, RINGO!

ALL We’re a wild and an untamed thing. We’re a bee with a deadly sting. You get ahead and your mind goes ping! Your heart’ll pump and your blood will ring. So let the party and the sounds rock on! TILT THE STAGE RIGHT! TILT THE STAGE LEFT! We’re gonna shake it till the light has gone. Rose tints my world, keeps me safe from my troubles and pain! We’re a wild…

Riff Raff: Frank N Furter, it’s all over. Your mission is a failure, your lifestyle’s too extreme! I’m your new commander, you now are my prisoner. We return to Transylvania, prepare the transit beam.

ColumbiaFrank: Wait! CAN YOU EXPLAIN? I can explain! IT HAD BETTER BE GOOD, YOU DIED LAST TIME! COLUMBIA, GET THE LIGHTS. ROCKY, DO EVERYTHING ELSE. HOW COME ROCKY KNOWS WHERE EVERYTHING IS, BUT FRANK DOESN’T? LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, FOR ONE NIGHT AND ONE NIGHT ONLY, THE AMAZING ALFALFA! On the day I went away, good-bye IS THAT ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY? was all I had to say, I want to come again SO DOES BRAD. and stay. Smile, and that will mean I may. Cause I’ve seen, WHAT COLOR? oh! THAT’S NOT A COLOR! Blue skies through the tears in my eyes. And I realize… THAT ISN’T MABELINE AND IT’LL PROBABLY SMEAR! …I’m going home! INSTANT AUDIENCE! WHERE HAVE YOU HAD SEX FRANK? Everywhere… EVERYWHERE? …it’s been the same. WHAT’S IT LIKE WHEN BRAD PEES ON YOU? Like I’m outside in the rain. Free to try and find the game. Cards for sorrow, cards for pain! (THROW CARDS.) Cause I’ve seen… …oh! Blue skies through the tears in my eyes. And I realize… I’M FUCKING STONED! …I’m going home! I’m going home! I’m going home! I’m going home!

Magenta: How sentimental. WHERE’S WALDO?

Riff Raff: And also presumptuous of you. F! You see, K! SPELLS FUCK! When I said we were to return to Transylvania, I referred only to Magenta and myself. I’m sorry, however, if you found my words misleading. But you see, you are to remain here… …in spirit anyway!

Dr. Scott: Great heavens, that’s a laser!

Riff Raff: Yes Dr. Scott, a laser capable of emitting a beam of pure antimatter. THEN IT DOESN’T MATTER!

Brad: You mean you’re going to kill him? NO, JUST ROUGH HIM UP A BIT. What’s his crime?

Dr. Scott: You saw what became of Eddie! Society must be protected. FUCK SOCIETY! BETTER NOT, YOU’LL GET A SOCIAL DISEASE.

Riff Raff: Exactly Dr. Scott. And now, Frank N Furter, your time has come. Say good-bye to all of this… GOOD-BYE ALL OF THIS! …and hello to oblivion. HI OBLIVION, HOW’S THE WIFE AND KIDS? FIRST DYKE TO SCREAM GETS IT BETWEEN THE TITS! OH SHIT, THAT THING REALLY WORKS! CLIMB THE CURTAIN FRANK! MY LINE, I FORGOT MY LINE! THANK YOU! DON’T LIFT THAT CURTAIN ROCKY, THERE’S BAD MUSIC UNDER IT! THEY KILLED THE TIDY BOWL MAN!

Brad: Good God!

Janet: You’ve killed them! NO SHIT SHIRLEY!

Magenta: But I thought you liked them. They liked you.

Riff Raff: GET PARANOID RIFF! They didn’t like me! GET MORE PARANOID RIFF! They never liked me!

Dr. Scott: You did right! KISS ASS!

Riff Raff: A decision had to be made. AND YOU FUCKED IT UP!

Dr. Scott: You’re okay by me. NANOO-NANOO!

Riff Raff: Dr. Scott, I’m sorry about your… …nephew.

Dr. Scott: Eddie? Yes, well perhaps it was for the best.

Riff Raff: You should leave now Dr. Scott, while it is still possible. We are about to beam the entire house back to the planet of Transsexual, in the galaxy of Transylvania. Go! WHEN? Now! WHY ARE YOU WHISPERING?

Magenta: Ha! Ha!

Riff Raff: Our noble mission is almost completed, my most beautiful sister and soon we shall return to the moon-drenched shores of our beloved planet.

Magenta: GO FOR THE OSCAR! Sweet Transsexual, land of night! To sing and dance once more to your dark refrains. NO OSCAR! To take that… …step to the right!

Riff Raff: Hah! But it’s the pelvic thrust!

Transylvanians: That really drives you insane!

Magenta: On our world, we’ll do the Time Warp again! SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW, CASTLES FLY! MY CRIPPLE, WHERE’S MY CRIPPLE? OH, THERE HE IS. (STAND UP AND SPIN THE SCREEN.) STOP THE WORLD, I WANT TO GET OFF! HEY, GET YOUR FINGER OUT OF COLUMBIA.

Criminologist: And crawling… WHERE? …on the planet’s face… WHAT DID YOU HAVE FOR BREAKFAST? …some insects… WHAT WHERE THEY CALLED? …called the human race. WHERE’S YOUR NECK? …lost in time… WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW? …and lost in space… STARRING JUNE LOCKHART! …and meaning… WHO THE FUCK IS MEANING? DON’T FORGET TO TURN OFF THE GLOBE. SHIT! HE DOES THAT EVERY WEEK.